Don’t be on the Sidelines

My posting is going to decrease as the time gets further and further into the semester.. pharmacy school is becoming pretty demanding and quickly, but I will do what I can.

So earlier this evening, I was on the campus trying to print out some lecture notes to try and get a head start on a few things when I bumped into two of my fraternity brothers on campus in the computer lab, sitting and chatting over some fast food. After getting my notes, I went to talk to them and catch up, since both of them are on their fourth-year rotations and are gone about 99% of the time, and I only get to say hello on rare occasions. 

As we small talked, they were telling me about how their rotation was, and how they were trying to figure out a way to help the hospital they were at save $1.6 million dollars in terms of their expenditures for care of their patients. In immense frustration, they threw it down and basically said ‘this country sucks, and there really isn’t any hope. There is no possible way we can solve this problem.’ 

I write about this because making a change in healthcare is why I got into pharmacy in the first place. I wanted to serve as a catalyst for change and this profession is where I felt I was destined for, and every day it shows that I was guided and listened correctly. But what does my desire to change the system have to do with these two friends of mine? 

Let’s face it, America’s healthcare is in a bit of a rut and it’s an extremely difficult one to solve. Some people are still unaware that the United States spends almost 20% of its Gross Domestic Product (GDP) on healthcare, ranking it #1 in the entire world for spending per household. However, the return on this is absolutely horrible.. when compared against other developed countries, we rank towards the bottom in terms of the prevention of men, women, and infant’s moralities, and even rank in the 30-40’s overall for life expectancy. To put this in real simple terms, imagine the healthcare system of this country as a car.. for the amount that the US is spending per person, we should be driving a Lamborghini Veneno (which costs about $4.5 million dollars new). Well, say we’re spending $4.5 million dollars for that particular Lambo, but all we’re getting is a 1995 Dodge Caravan with 150,000 miles… and you spent $4.5 million dollars… that’s a pretty lousy investment, right? Well.. this concept is EXACTLY what is happening to us right now, and the worst part is.. everyone (for the most part) is just letting it happen! 

The healthcare system is a very difficult beast to tackle, there is no denying that. We do have a great system, but the problem is we’ve let costs and other measures get out of control, and now things are getting too outrageous. For example, the other day at work, I came in and sat down to eat my lunch before going on the clock, and overheard a conversation with one of my pharmacists and a technician about heart problems he was having. He brought up a very interesting piece of information, and this is the main take home point of the conversation:

“The last time they gave me a catheter, they found that the blockage in my artery was only at 55%, and the insurance wouldn’t pay for it till the blockage was at 75%.”   (Please note these numbers are approximate of what I remember).

So yeah.. when I heard that, I could not believe my ears. You don’t have an alarm or sensor on you that says: “HEY! 75% blockage is achieved, go to the ER and let’s get that taken care of!” It would be awesome if we could, but that does not exist. How are you honestly supposed to know you’re that far gone? Sadly, most people will realize it when they’re close to 95% and have that heart attack or something worse of that nature, which will involve a lot more damage and thus extensive (and expensive) repairs.

Hopefully this illustrates the problem… now what about the solution? 

There’s a lot of different routes that we can take, some more practical than others. One idea has been a topic called pay-for-performance, which started with the MMA (Medicare/Medicaid Modernization Act) around 2005, which basically told physicians that if they misdiagnose, or a patient returns to a hospital within 30 days of discharge, they’re not getting paid for their services. It gives them an incentive to make sure they’re going the correct route with all the therapy and getting things right, but there are also drawbacks. Once thing I noticed is that physicians will start to “cherry pick,” and only want to practice in an area where people are more wealthier and adherent to their policies. Under-served areas and populations that have a known trend of failing to adhere to their medications, their therapies, etc., are going to be ignored and refused to be served because the government will refuse to reimburse them for failing to serve them, which will put them out of a job. This is simply just one example of a way that has been tried, and there are many more that can be given. Ultimately, there is still a lot of work that needs to be done and roads and paths to be examined.

One thing I have always believed in is the idea of preventative care, the cheapest and most effective method. What I have seen from other countries is that they work hard to focus their attention on keeping the problems from starting, whereas the United States seems to be more focused on treating the problem once it has progressed into a full-blown disease state rather than keeping it at bay. All these heart problems, obesity, diabetes, cholesterol, etc. all interconnect and have one thing in common.. a lot of it can be prevented. Now granted, there are certain people who have these disease states while living healthy lives, due to genetics, age, or other factors; and some of these things can be avoided. But I think that you can agree with me when I say that the person who has three heart attacks and needs a triple bypass surgery because he spent his whole life sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette, and eating McDonald’s every single day could have probably avoided it a lot easier if he had just focused on the preventative care instead of this whole “I’m young and I can handle it or stop at anytime,” or “I’ll worry about it later,” mentality. This is the kind of attitude that many people have, and it’s become a epidemic.

I know there is no easy way to fix this, otherwise it would have been done already. But whatever you do, do not sit there on the sidelines and say ‘it’s impossible,’ or ‘someone else can do it.’ Be part of the solution. You may only play a small role, but being the one to talk to your friends about doing healthier things, or just being a role model, is a simple dropping of a small stone into the pond that is our society, sending its ripple effects outward to all corners of society. If enough stones drop, it could be the start to a wave of change that our society needs. 

We have to stand together as one and fight for each other, not for ourselves. That is how we win. It will be a long road, but if everyone sits down with that mentality, that is the wave we will send with our stone drop, and before long, everyone will be looking around and saying, ‘someone else can do it,’ but there will be no one left standing.

Self is Equal to 1.

For those who have been following, you know that I have been battling depression pretty fiercely. Pharmacy school in combination with many other factors broke me down to a point where I couldn’t pull myself up from. I started a drug regimen and finally started seeing a psychologist about everything.

Recently, I had a lot of issues with my former relationship who did a lot to break me down. I tried hard to make her happy, but nothing seemed to work. To save the time in this post (and since I have an assignment due shortly online), I’m going to ask that if you want the full story their, recap with the earlier blogs. It’s in there.

Thursday I sat down with my psychologist for the second time. I began to explain more about what I felt in terms of everything with her and life itself to try and trace the roots of it. I explained to him stories where I felt torn in decisions, trying to make the choice that is right for me, but caring about the needs of those who meant the most to me. He asked for some examples.

I told him about my last surviving grandmother, who was diagnosed with cancer during the spring break of my first year away from home. At some point, my mom had mentioned that she would not have gotten cancer if I stayed home. I have long since forgiven my mom, knowing that she was very stressed and sad with this news, and had to also deal with the dynamic shift of me leaving, since she had to return to the difficult life of being the only driver. At the time, it hurt and tore me apart.

I also told him about my best friend who fell into depression when I left along with our other close friend. The two of us left for cities and towns hours away, and he remained behind. He was drawn into selling and smoking marijuana, and his ‘business’ was growing and getting worse and my brother was getting drawn into it. I was scarred for him, and he wanted to move to where I was to grow it even more.. a major metropolitan area where gang/drug violence is the reason why people die. Conveniently, some form of divine intervention turned him away and made him go clean.

He continued to see a trend of feeling guilty for making choices based on what I needed, and developing a hollow shell that had openings that connected my feelings to my self worth. So this is when he asked me if I’ve ever heard of the self being equal to one, and I replied no.

He grabbed a piece of paper from his desk and drew a line in the center with two opposing sides. On one side he wrote ‘Evaluation of Behavior,’ and the other was ‘Evaluation of Self.’

He began by drawing arrows in the up (for positive) and down (for negative) things that happen. He was rattling off different concerns and stories I gave him.. bad test, getting elected to president of the fraternity, doing well on a test, ex is attacking you, and drew arrows in their respective directions. Then he drew the same arrows on the other side of the line, showing that as these events were happening, they were letting me change or deface my self-worth, showing that if I was getting attacked by my ex with these negative words and hurtful remarks, I devalued myself because I felt they were true. If I did bad on a test, I was letting them get to me and making me believe that I was not cut out for pharmacy school or being a pharmacist. Good events made me feel better and increase my value, which was great, but it only took one of these negative events to occur to change that value and put my mind and body on a roller coaster of emotions that was getting out of control.

So then, he scribbled out the line that divided the two sides several times, saying that right here is where I need to place a firewall and not let these sides communicate. They’re not interconnected, and they’re never meant to be. The only reason they are is because I let them.

On the side of behavior, he explained that these ups and downs would occur, and these are my feelings. They’re good to have, and he taught me to use the word ‘and.’ Now normally, this doesn’t sound logical to rely on this word.. but here was the example he got me to work out on my own.

“I didn’t do so well on a test, and I felt pretty bad about it, and next time, I’m going to study a little better and talk to my professor and ask some of my friends for a little help to get better, and next time, I will pass that test.”

Or..

“I got elected as the president of my fraternity, and I felt really good about it, and I am honored to be revered and respected as someone who can lead the fraternity in our vision and mission, and I will do my best to work together with everyone and make great things happen.”

It’s a process of building things and understanding the good and the bad, and what we’re going to take from each thing that now matters. It’s funny, because this was something I felt that I had believed in, and now I see that I truly did, but I had let the dark blind me from the light so badly, that I couldn’t overcome it and see this.

What about the other side of this firewall.

He scribbled out the arrows and put: Self = 1 in a circle and left it as the only thing on this side. Then he went on to point out that the value of this is always equal to one. It does not change. It does not become -1, 0, or even +1. It remains as 1 always, a constant factor, unchanging.

It may seem like something simple or even useless to some, but in that moment, something clicked for me and I feel like I finally woke up and made this firewall occur. I walked out of our session with this feeling that something had changed, and that I was somehow enlightened and stronger, and I was.. because he was right. There will always be bad events, people who don’t like you, and days where you feel like absolute horse shit. But how does any of that change who you are, or how you should see yourself? You can overcome bad days with good, you can shrug off the haters and be with the people who you care about, who you know value you as well. He made me see that there are many strengths I posses in myself and my character that people do want to be around. They trust me to lead and be involved with them for passion, drive, compassion, and more. I can’t please everyone, and why should I try to? Be the one to help them instead.

I realized I had acquired this strength today, as my ex went on the offensive again. She continued to claim that there were more people telling her that I was a “major creep,” and looking at her like she made the ultimate sin for even talking to me. People of both pharmacy and non-pharmacy majors were telling her this, and although I asked who, she refused to name them. Also, she said that I was being so creepy for showing up to ‘her bar’ that she got a job at for two weeks in a row. Well for one, this was the bar I love (now loved) going to and it was a free country to go where I wanted to, especially when my friends were hosting events there. She threw insult after insult, and proceeded to end the conversation with ‘when can I get my stuffed animal back?’

Now I was quite furious with this, but mostly because I don’t believe her, nor understand why she would act like this. I fought back during the conversation for the first time, not with angry, harsh words, but just letting things roll off me and deflecting her shots below the belt. I laughed and showed my friends the texts, and all agreed and told me that she is out of her mind.

I realized today that I deflected the shots. My emotions were stimulated, and I was a bit upset, but this did not last for long. Instead of ripping right under my skin and tearing me apart from the inside out like the last time, she had no effect. I even gave the stuffed animal back tonight after a really lousy night at work. I have begun the process to being stronger and better.

So for anyone out there reading this.. whether your battling depression or even just have self-esteem concerns and feel weak, broken down, and useless.. just remember, the self is always equal to 1. It’s a constant and unchanging. You are an amazing person regardless of what people say or think to bring you down. People will attack you, but that is because they’re insecure about their own selves and feel the need to belittle others, and they will always exist. Surround yourself with the people who matter the most and you will see there are emotions and things that will make you feel good, bad, and all the wide mix of emotions, but nothing that can say that you are anything less than the person you are.

The Soul of Pharmacy: Part 2

The final installment in what I had originally written. Why the talk about the ‘soul’ of pharmacy. 

For part of our dry lab series, we had to do some reading on professionalism and the ‘soul’ of pharmacy. This article, written in 1996, spoke about the need for change and focusing on the patient. With a lot of the newest changes in healthcare, which are still relevant in this current time. Direct to consumer advertising has made consumers blind in wanting certain things and thinking they need this, the US Healthcare System focuses more on treating the problem once it occurs rather than push means to prevent it. This list goes on and on. I could rant about this for days. 

But what is the article about? A call for action? What I had believed then and there was that it was a reminder that as a pharmacist, you’re going to be stuck in the middle of three roads: the patient, the economy, and the bureaucracy. You have to balance the three, because they are all equally important in their own way, but you can never seek to loose the grip on what is most important, and the reason why you have a job in the first place: the patient.

Let’s be honest: the physician has a very important roll in society, but they also are at one of the greatest disadvantages. They’re forced to see many patients over and over, and required to make quick judgments and be consumed by a busy work schedule. When patients have questions about their therapy, they can never seem to get a hold of someone to find out. It is just the way it goes, unfortunately. But where they lag in the healthcare field is our greatest moment to shine. Pharmacists are easily accessible and go through the training of pharmacology, therapeutics, and much more to be able to deliver that high quality of care to patients. Using our knowledge and understanding of these topics, we can pull together a good plan and be a valuable asset to the team setting, as we have already began to do over the last several years and growing rapidly. Pharmacists now even have practitioner status is California! How amazing.

As you could tell by Part 1, I believe strongly in this profession. I want to make a change and stand up for this and do great things for others. I have seen it already and feel it is my calling. We cannot lose sight of the patient, or we will never be as valuable to the changing world as we were meant to be.

In closing of this, I wanted to share a story that occurred over the last month. I work at a pharmacy where a few weeks ago, a lady called scared out of her mind and needing help. Her liver and GI system had been damaged from using a drug that she had been prescribed, and after getting no information from her doctor and having severe diarrhea and other symptoms. She asked for my help, and I did all I could. She has recovered and since been overjoyed about it. 

My boss has been getting upset with me for spending too much time on the phone. Another pharmacists tried to explain to me that this is the ‘real world’ and that what I was being taught was wrong. That doesn’t make money, and I would be fired from the retail setting if I was out there working now. 

It was difficult to hear from them, and I almost felt betrayed. As if someone who calls for help does not deserve an answer because ‘it’s not making money,’ or we’re ‘loosing productivity.’ I can understand part of their argument, that when I stop to help someone for extended periods of time, it causes work to pile up because more people need to stop to answer the hoard of incoming calls. This stops the pharmacists from checking the scripts and getting them out on time, and it creates a hassle. But at the same time, I do not feel that forsaking the patients needs is the right thing to do, either. So again, I must try to find a balance in this.

Can you see why this article in the beginning was written? We’re searching for our soul in this profession; a center balance of existence that encompasses all. We must find that correct balance, because the future of our nation, the world, and the people we share this world with, may soon find themselves depending on it.

 

The Soul of Pharmacy: Part 1

I decided to take a bit of a move onto something that I’m really passionate about.. pharmacy. I have always been a believer in the idea that we are all here for a reason, and I have believed that since I was very young. Perhaps it is my faith that makes me feel this, but I am not here to argue religion or philosophy with anyone.

I always had that question on my mind growing up.. what am I here to do? When I was growing up, I always questioned this.. especially since I was battling bullying and hatred as a very young student. I felt disconnected from the world and that my life wasn’t valuable. The thoughts of ending it came across my mind a few times. One night as I went to bed, the thought was stronger than it had ever been. I remember falling asleep… and the only ‘dream’ or thing I could remember was floating in an empty darkness, a void, if you will. I saw nothing for what felt like an eternity, but I suddenly heard a voice

“I have plans for you.”

Call it what you choose, but to this day, I believe that this was God’s way of speaking to me and telling me that there is something greater out there for me, a bigger picture. I kept this memory locked inside as a keepsake, never disclosing it to anyone, using it only as a driving force to shape the road ahead.

Some of you are probably thinking.. ‘dude, this is supposed to be about pharmacy, where the hell are you going with this?’ Well, pharmacy comes into this around my junior year of high school. I had my past close as I tired to make sense of where my life was going. The bullying was over (beyond the normal high school bull shit), but I was seeking a direction. Finally.. I found it in a Walgreens.

As part of a graduation requirement, I had to take a ‘career development’ class, and a requirement was to take a day and job shadow. My parents and my chemistry teacher kept telling me to look at pharmacy, and I couldn’t see how someone who just simply counted pills would be the right job for me. It seemed.. well, boring. I decided to at least humor them and try it out and see what it was like. I went into the Walgreens and worked with the pharmacist all day, and all I can say is that at this moment, everything changed. I do not believe in love at first sight, but I can tell you that if it did exist, this would’ve been it. I never felt a stronger calling to this in every inch of my body than the moment I was experiencing now. Once I left that pharmacy, I knew from that moment on, everything I did was going to revolve around getting myself ready to become this healthcare professional.

At the time, I still really didn’t understand the role of the pharmacist beyond this one-time experience, so I went into ambulatory care at a local hospital and volunteered, where I was able to get experience working with patients and shadowing the pharmacists and technicians, who worked to teach me everything possible (or at least that I could comprehend at the time).

The road changed as my athletics and education drew me over six hours away from home in a different state. I became involved with pharmacy organizations, undergraduate research, leadership, community service, involvement, athletics, and much more as I continued to grow and expand. I was determined to stay within this area so far from home, until three years later, all the changes occurred where I got screwed over (for lack of a better term) by those who I felt were once out to help me.. this athletics department (another story to come on this later). Life seemed to pull me to transfer to another institution for pharmacy that was still a well-respected institution, but closer to home (about 2.5 hours away compared to six).

As the choice grew nearer, I had to make a hard decision. Do I leave my friends and life that I restarted here to restart again somewhere else? Or do I deny this chance? There was a lot of turmoil in making this choice and backlash from my former institution, but I made the choice to transfer, and onward the story went.

At first, I did not understand what drew me to this new chapter. Why would I have made the choice, or why would the road have taken me all the way out to this far away city, when all I did was leave three years later for another school closer to home?

I really did not understand this until I found myself interviewing at several other programs (while awaiting the year-long admission process for this new school). While going around on these interviews and trying to advance into my current program, I found myself quickly gaining involvement and finding opportunities for personal growth and accomplishment. I became involved in Kappa Psi, making one of the greatest decisions of my life. Through Kappa Psi, a door opened to endless possibilities of brotherhood, growth, leadership development, stories, and so much more. I couldn’t have been more honored to have been selected to join this phenomenal brotherhood. Since then, my leadership and accomplishments as an individual and organizational-based have soared to new heights. Amazing friendships and bonds have grown, without replacing or throwing away any of the old ones I had developed at home or at my former location of living.

As I sat down for an interview, it finally dawned on me.. this is why the road went the direction it did. I may have not understood it at first, but everything that I did and the path I took before only set me up for even greater things, a bigger picture. I now had access to greater resources to accomplish more things for the school, the community, and the profession I felt so connected to. Everything finally made sense as I started to see the master plan at work. It was all drawing me to be a smarter individual, a stronger leader, a better friend and son, and so much more. I honestly cried when I realized this, realizing that at one point I had thought about ending my life because I felt I served no purpose, but now, I feel there are great things ahead.

I fee proud and honored in what I accomplish, but it is not to be conceited or brag. All I’ve done for research, athletics, and other accomplishments I did were all out of a ridiculous amount of hard work and dedication to what I wanted to do. When you put that kind of effort into something, it does not go unnoticed, and society recognizes those who excel, stand out, and lead. All I try to do benefits others, and I am honored to be recognized for things that I accomplish, but the honor and glory goes to God. Without (what I believe to be) His intervention, I may not have been here. Striving to help others and better the profession of pharmacy has made all of this possible, and even if there wasn’t an ounce of thank you for anything I did, I would still do it, because it is the right thing to do.

Now I realize I’ve begun to see the soul of pharmacy.. as we will see in Part 2 to come at another time.

Even in the Darkest of Days..

I had thought earlier that the night out was a successful one.. the one where I said my former crush and my ex were going to be in the same place at the same time. I had thought that I had turned negatives into positive, only in turn to get shot down into what I felt was the weakest state I may have ever found myself in. Yesterday, I received messages like this..

“You brought all of this upon yourself.”

“Everyone told me ‘how could you date such a cocky, immature, and ugly pharmacy student?'”

“You’re useless, piece of shit.”

“I work two jobs and go to school full time.”  Well I do too… “Oh, well good for you.”

“They said your a major creep, even your little’s sister said you were.”

“I feel like I was dating a high schooler.”

“You are useless. You made it clear that you can’t handle much else.”

I fell into probably one of the lowest states of my life. All I could think about is.. why am I even here? Why?

I felt like I had no place in this world. I felt that everyone I had once trusted was gone, and that there was nothing left to go with. I felt like life had been sapped away, and that the only thing left to do was pray that God would take my life and give it to someone else, someone more deserving.

Why would I think something so.. harsh? A punishment that cannot be undone; life being removed from the body. No matter what religion you believe or cling to, one thing remains the same.. life cannot be given back in the same format once it is gone.

I wanted this because my entire sense of self-esteem and value to the world fell through the floor. I felt that someone that cared about me (or I thought at first) had completely went behind my back and shot me.. and suddenly, it felt like everyone else had done the exact same thing. When the whole world suddenly seems against you, then every second you’re in the world becomes a nightmare, and that’s what I felt. I tried to sleep it off, and still felt useless in the morning.

Where does this story end? Well, it ends with the fact that I am still alive. I am still here, and that my friends helped pull me through. Yes, I am feeling better over this, but no, this fight is not over. I have fallen down a  bit, and I need time to get myself back up and turn this story around. Even in the darkest of days, there is still a light. Her words mean nothing, because in the end, she will have her life and the choices she has made, and I will have mine. The love of my friends saves me, and makes me just a little bit stronger, until I can become strong enough to stand on my own, and in turn, be there for them.

The Story Presses Onward

Since I survived the unusual night I described in my last post, I wanted to write a little bit about it. It was a bit of a crazy night to say the least, but it was fun and opening. Maybe not in the sense that some of you may think, but for me, it was.

I picked up one of my brothers, while waiting for my little to return to his dorm so I could pick him up. As I was waiting, my crush sent me a text… finally! After a week or more of silence, it was at last broken. I was ecstatic. She said: ‘can we be friends?’ I was confused, because I did not understand.. we weren’t friends? I of course told her yes, we were friends and we were never not friends. She thought I hated her.. which was completely untrue. How could I? Well.. she was happy that we were fine, and that I was coming to this evening’s social. I remained clear and away from my ex, and had zero interaction with her. Which made me happy, and I got to spend time with my friends, my brothers, and my crush.. what more could I ask for?

Well, as the evening concluded, I finally grew the courage to confront her and ask her about why she felt I hated her (via text, but I guess it works). She thought I was ignoring her, and I explained that I felt it was the opposite, and I told her how I thought the New Year’s party she invited me to made things awkward between us (or so I felt from her), and I wanted to give her space before I tried to talk to her again. Well.. that’s when I got the answer I was looking for.. she really likes someone else, that’s all.

I guess you can say for me, it was heartbreaking for a moment. I liked her, and all that she had to offer. I thought she was an amazing person who had many things I was interested in between morals, dignity, and just a great personality. I couldn’t get enough of her laugh or smile.. or time with her or talking to her. When she kissed me on the lips and cheek for the first time, I was in awe. Now it seemed like all of that was gone in a flash, and I had nothing to go with any longer.

Yes, it was depressing, but at long last, I finally got the answer I was looking for out of her. I knew what she felt, and confronted it as strongly as I could. For me, I think that was a great first step to a longer road of being a better, stronger person for myself and others. 

My heart is a bit broken.. whose wouldn’t be? Finding something out like this is not easy for anyone to take in any sense. But the truth is what sets you free. Although my ‘former crush’ is no more, and I have to release that for both her and myself, I know that I can continue to go on in time. There is a bigger picture and a greater road that lies ahead, for her and me. Our paths were not meant to intertwine in such a manor that I would have once hoped, but I can be more than thankful that she remains as a close friend that I know and can be there for, as she will be there for me. 

Time alone may be exactly what I need. Time to rebuild and time to be a better person. And also, to better appreciate that for the first time in a few years, out of the only relationships that I have had, I was attracted to the right kind of person for me. Yes, it was not meant to be at this time for us (perhaps later, or maybe never), but I know now what I want to find in someone and can use this from here on out.

The future is not written in stone, and we can change it every day. By learning what I have learned here, I will become a better person. Yes, it will be hard to accept for a little bit, but time will move forward and heal these small wounds. And time.. time is the key thing here to remember. Time is moving forward, whether I want it to or not. I can dwell and be sad on this all I want, but why? Why waste sadness on something that just wasn’t meant to be? I am investing time that I will never get back on something that is useless to be sad over. As hard as it can be for the little bit, I must strive to be happy that a lesson has been learned, a friendship has been reformed and rekindled for life, and as always, the story presses onward.

Tonight, Tonight..

As of recently, I feel like I have slowly began a downward step from what I had originally been believing was a confident return to a better me. I had hoped that the start of the second semester of pharmacy school would be enough to distract me from the storm in my mind that’s been growing stronger and stronger. It seems like this storm almost has been brewing for this night in particular.

I had described earlier about someone I had been dating to my psychologist; we recently went our separate ways. I know I had made mistakes in the past with the relationship we had, but I feel like this individual took thinks too far in many aspects. Accusations, driving drunk to my place, acting out and being extremely passive-aggressive, making demands that I did all I could to fill and go out of my way for, committed an act of self-infliction and screamed and wailed at me when I tried to help, and more. Around the time things spiraled downward, I started to notice a sort of random ‘crush’ for another. I had never noticed it before. I always thought this person was quite attractive, but at a party on my birthday, the crush took off to extreme levels; levels I never thought were possible. We began randomly talking all the time through texts, and I learned more and more. As my former relationship came to its end, I found myself taking my crush out for a very simple, relaxing dinner where we spent the entire two hours talking to each other and just learning about each other.

I don’t believe in falling in love immediately, or anything of that sort. However, I felt something different, a very positive feeling. Maybe it was the constant talking, the laugh, the smile, and just the good feeling that it gave me. Several other people saw it too, which heightened the feeling even more.

Well, then it all.. changed. My crush invited me to a party at the New Years. We spent time talking and hanging out, and my crush’s roommates were impressed that they were ‘talking to someone who wasn’t a douche,’ and thought we were adorable, and so much more. My confidence was exploding.. I was happy as could be. How could this be.. maybe because I felt like I found someone who matched my religion, interests, and just had all around amazing morals and dignity in themselves, something I feel like I had been looking before, but always tossed away because I was fooled into doing so by beauty, or some other bull shit that society throws up.

I asked my crush to be my date for the New Year. As the ball dropped, she kissed me on the cheek and I returned it. Moments later, she walked outside in the cold and snow and I followed (by the roommate’s suggestion) and talked to her. There, she kissed me for the first time, unexpectedly.

Nothing could have stopped me.. well, that was until later that evening. Maybe an hour later, she was talking to some other guy.. no big deal, right? That’s not fair of me to freak out. But as everyone disappeared, I couldn’t find her. I knew people disappeared into two specific rooms in the upstairs, and then, I heard sex coming from a third room. Immediately, my mind lost control and I thought it was her before I could even confirm it. I rushed outside and tried to cry, but could not express anything but a dark sensation twisting inside me. My antidepressant would not let me express it no matter how hard I tried to force it out. I left the house and went home.

We resumed talking the next day when she told me she ‘passed out.’ After talking to a few of my friends, I realized that hooking up with someone was not her at all.. so I trusted her. Then I noticed the odd things happening… she stopped talking to me. For two days after the event, I tried to talk to her and it would go something like this:

I say something, crush texts back, I reply, crush reads.. but does not respond at all.

After two days of this, I stopped sending messages. Maybe she needed space.  (For anyone following, this was the New Years incident I brought up a few posts ago).

Well… then that Saturday before classes began, a brother had a party and she was there.. with some random guy. She failed to look at me, talk to me, or even acknowledge I was there for anything more than a brief second. She left well before midnight with him.. and as I took her close friend home (since her DD failed to stay sober), she and another friend of mine said that it really bothered them what she did.

I still have yet to understand why she acted like this, or what even happened. I’ve wanted nothing more than to confront her and ask her to be honest with me, but I fail to confront anything, in all honesty. Tis part of the plan for my counseling. Maybe at some point, I will know. Until then, I sit and wait.

What does all this have to do with tonight? Well, that’s the fun part. Besides having a rough day and being upset again about my crush (who happens to be in my class, and I see almost the entire day and who just acts like I don’t exist), and a difficult day at work where I was yelled at several times by a supervisor for things I messed up on… and tonight, guess who will be at this social event? Both my former relationship (as a bartender) and my former (or whatever the hell it is) crush as a guest. Holy shit.. talk about misery at its finest.

If this isn’t enough, my ex has been sending very harsh and nasty messages about me coming tonight, and making it seem like it’s all about her looking like a fool bar tending, and attacking me for everything, once again.

I go into tonight hoping for nothing more but to dress up, sit in a corner, and send my friends down to get my drinks while I just hope and pray I stay out of any potential confrontations on either side. I just want to have fun and relax, and get things off my mind, but it feels like this may be a far fetched hope.

I did apologize to my ‘crush’ for the kiss, although it was her that initiated it.. and maybe I will never truly know what happened. I know life goes on and there will be a time for success after all this in the relationship department, but I guess sometimes it makes me wonder if there really is any hope of that. I hate saying it.. especially since I came off so strong earlier and feeling positive, and now I feel like I’ve taken a dozen steps backwards.

I will keep pushing forward, because life will never go backwards. But sometimes it just takes a little more work that you’d like to think. It will all be worth it and ok in the end, because if it’s not ok, then it is not the end.

Sincerely, One of Many Girls Who Care

I think after everything I’ve thought about relationships and my past few heartbreakers, she hit the nail right on the head and gave me the esteem it takes to overcome any doubt. Thank you!! Truly an amazing read.

Be Malleable

Are you a boy?

I’m sorry.

Not sorry that you’re a boy… That’s awesome.

I’m sorry that you see hundreds of advertisements every week showing half-dressed women.

I’m sorry every time you go to the beach or your neighborhood pool you can’t look in any direction without seeing a girl basically in her underwear.

Or that you can’t scroll through Instagram on “women crush wednesdays” or any day for that matter without an airbrushed girl in a thong staring you down.

Or that your buddy showed you that one magazine when you were 9 and you’ve never forgotten that moment because that was the first time you first saw a completely naked woman.

When I think about the guys in my life who are striving to live with a pure and Godly mindset, it honestly breaks my heart that they’re surrounded with so much temptation.

I think about my 22…

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Being the Hero

I wanted to switch gears a little bit.. I’ve been talking a lot about how I’ve battled depression.. and I wanted to talk a little bit about something I’ve always wondered since it began, and something I’ve tried to bring into the light a little more.

I’ve always had a vivid imagination, even as an adult (and no, get your mind out of the gutter). When I was younger, I always used to pretend and fantasize about being some sort of super hero, saving the day and fighting off the forces of evil. I’ll admit that even as an adult, I still find myself floating off at times, imagining a life as a normal person and some sort of crazy underdog hero wrapped up in a fight against an evil force seeking to take control of the world, threatening my family and friends and much more.

Young kids often imagine things like this, but why is it that I subconsciously continue it? Maybe my imagination is just strong and this is how it stays fresh. Or maybe this was actually some sort of coping mechanism I developed.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I did this was to try to escape the reality of my life of being the runt of the social class that I mentioned earlier. If I was someone with superpowers who saved the world from being annihilated, then maybe I would actually felt of value and worth to the world and to the people around me. I could save the girl of my dreams and she’d fall in love, like they always do.

Well, I sat down and realized a few things.. these heroes will never exist. At least not in the Hollywood sense. But heroes do exist. They’re out there every single day. They may not have superpowers or fight off demons, dark creatures, and other figments of our wildest fantasies, but they do fight against evil.

Who are these heroes? First thoughts may be police, firefighters, soldiers, etc..  and I would 100% agree with you. These people are heroes by every sense of the word, but there are more out there.

The heroes of today will never come in a superhero costume or fight evil, but they will save lives by being the helping hand that a friend or stranger needs. They serve others, sometimes making that sacrifice of their own wants to help others. They are your shelter when the world feels like it’s coming to an end. When the tyranny of mankind and all the darkness that this world can unleash at us in many forms arises, they are the ones that make the stand against it with actions and a voice as their weapons of choice. We fight our own minds, our own demons, fears, sickness, disease, death, and those who seek to hurt us and do us wrong. We fight by being brave, standing up, and believing that there is something better.. life, love, happiness, and so much more.

In the sense of this, I have served as a hero. I’ve challenged the world by venturing away from my small, quiet town in pursuit of finding my purpose. I found pharmacy and I’ve been taken on so many different adventures and journeys along the way, and met so many different people who feel as if I have impacted them in some way, and they have to me. I will always keep a part of them alive in my heart, no matter where they may be. I have saved lives, sat down to talk people through tough situations and been there where I could be. I have protected people I loved from forces that have sought to hurt them, and done what I could to combat things that life has thrown out.

I am not a soldier, firefighter, police officer, or any form of super hero.. but I am a hero to those who can see what I give to others. Someday, maybe my voice will be heard as I stand for what is right when others will not have the courage to. But that time is to be seen at a later date. I pray for the courage that when that day comes, I am not afraid raise my voice.

May you, the reader, find yourself looking in a new way at the people around you. Be the hero that someone needs, everyday. The smallest thing can make the largest difference in someone’s life, and someday, the favor will be returned ten-fold.

Watch this video.. I think the lyrics go right along with what I’m feeling. It’s a damn good song, especially if you’re into trance.

A Crazy Dream.. or is it?

I wanted to write this before I forgot about it. I’ve always tended to have these really bizarre dreams.. dreams I really can’t explain. I see different people, learn different things, and sometimes even feel like I live moments within them that are so real, I can sometimes wake up and wonder if it really did happen (or feel the effects of pain, or some event that did occur within the dream).

Over the last few months, I’ve had a reoccurring dream of myself experiencing death by cancer. I can understand my fear of it.. my grandmother is currently suffering and dying from cancer, and we do not know how much longer she will truly have with us. She was diagnosed in 2010 and was given a year to live, so she has been doing quite well on time, thankfully. But the suffering remains the same, and each time I see her, it gets harder and harder to endure. My mom is a survivor of several cancers and types throughout her life. I also lost a close friend to a rare cancer when he was 17, merely a few days prior to Christmas. 

Now where this dream got odd was within the overall story line. I believe I was looking for someone, or trying to rescue someone (which tends to happen a lot in my dreams), but this time, I was being chased by something throughout the dream.. the grim reaper. 

At first, I remember I was trying to find some clues to this missing person by being forced into this sort of puzzle game.. but the people around me that were preventing me from getting anywhere within it at first, until I found my way around them, all carried scythes. Within the dream, I could feel my sense of fear growing.. because it seems that we all know too well who carries this, and personally, I don’t believe I have ever seen the grim reaper in a dream of mine. But for the most part, I was clear and saw nothing. I just felt a lingering presence of foreshadowing.. like something was destined to happen.

Finally, as I got into the area of my dream where this person was at, I went inside a house to find an old friend there that I had grown distant from.. but found not one, but two grim reapers there.. waiting for me. They made an attack tore this home apart trying to fight me, and I was able to stop one of them by fighting it with some random sword I had (which I don’t know how I got, but it’s also a dream, so whatever).

The second one got away.. and started floating menacingly towards this stadium where a hockey match was playing. It went in a door through a lower level that took it directly out onto the ice. I was told that this thing would kill, and I refused to to allow this. I chased it into the stadium and onto the ice.. and much to my surprise, the stadium had every last seat filled with people I knew from my life. They spanned as far back as people I had known in kindergarten and friends growing up to people that I know now. The reaper turned the ice to grass and stood there, waiting to fight. I fought him defeated him, and ended up waking up unconscious on the stadium ground with battle scars and noticeable wounds from combat. That is about the point my cat woke me up for breakfast..

In a bit of a panic, I tried to look for the answer to what this means. I’ve typically found that dream interpretations tend to go right along the same lines as reality, or at least in my experience looking them up and matching them. 

“To see the grim reaper in your dream signifies the negative, rejected aspects of your personality. It represents aspects of yourself that you have repressed.  Alternatively, it symbolizes death. The dream may parallel an end to some situation, habit, or relationship in your waking life.” http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamthemes/characters.htm

But what does it mean to not only see one.. but two grim reapers, and to fight them and defeat them? Perhaps there’s both death and rejected personality aspects that were in my mind, and subconsciously, I fought and defeated one quickly, which could show my overcoming the fear of death. This makes sense to me, since the grim reaper I defeated first was wearing all white. The other was in black, and that one went to a stadium filled with all my friends, family, and acquaintances that watched me face this monster. 

As I sat and thought, I realized that this may connect to this ‘rejected personality aspect’ that I’ve been trying to work on. This feeling of guilt when I want something, and throwing my needs on the back burner for others (which connects to me searching or rescuing someone instead of fighting my own cancer I started the dream with), as well as feeling unable to communicate, depression, anxiety, and all the other wrapped up things I stated in my previous post. I feel like, for the first time, I was coming out and fighting it right then and there, in front of everyone. I was done with letting this ‘thing’ haunt me and keep me down, and perhaps this was my subconscious finally fighting back, and putting the darkness behind me and preparing to turn the pages. 

I couldn’t believe it when I put all this together, and how much it makes sense and parallels the real world and what’s going on. Dreams do have a very funny way of working out like that, and perhaps they do for you as well, and maybe you just have yet to really sit down and think about it. The subconscious holds a lot of secrets about us that we may not even realize until we sit down to really see. Everyone is different, so don’t take my word on this. But maybe the next time you see something odd in your dreams that you just don’t quite understand, try to piece it together yourself with a little help from a few sources.. and you may be surprised to see something you failed to at first.